I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize