no, he came in my armpit
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
