She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
tequila makes me forget i have legs
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize