i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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