i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
