I'm pants shitting drunk right now
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We left the knife in your bed.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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