Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think your dad took our porno
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
