last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
