my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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