best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
