There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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