come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
