I'm pants shitting drunk right now
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
