Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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