U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You smell like stripper and shame
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
