I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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