I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
