i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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