would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
