Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
