she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
