I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
