ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
