On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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