I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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