im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
