News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
