So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
