I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
can u get pink eye on your cock?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
