3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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