They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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