so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
