how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
