Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
did i walk over a car last night?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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