beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
