Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
