Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
