forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
