Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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