they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
