i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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