Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
