I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
