guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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