i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
