And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
