So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
