The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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