his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Life is so much better after having sex.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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