YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize