i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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