woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
