i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
