Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
