I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
