I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
