Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize