My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
