dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
