Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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