Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
